Atrum Trado Visum pt.1

Myspace be damned, it does no good for anyone and shall not be of use to me now, which is actually funny because it really hasn't been too useful for quite some time.

Anyway, I am going to be blogging more here now, for theraputic reasons I shall forever carry in my mind.

Please forgive the rest of this post, remember, therapy not depression.

My life feels strange in retrospect. I never knew one of my two sisters because she was from a relationship my father had many years before my mother met him. I also never knew that my mom had a few abortions both before and after I was born. This will be important later.

When I was 11 years old, I moved from a trailer park in Florida (how's that for stereotyping) to a house across town where I didn't know anyone. Up until this point in my life I had only had a couple of long standing friends and everyone else was static, but at this point I made one of the first stubborn decisions of my life. I was angry with my mom for moving us away from the friends I had, as well as the fact that the only kids in the neighborhood were moving out as we moved in. So, Mr. 11 year old Jimmy vowed not to seek any new friends as long as I lived in that house, because I felt that as soon as I became attached, we'd leave. It worked. I became a recluse of sorts since we were "homeschooled" and didn't meet anyone new until almost 4 years later, when I discovered AOL.

At first I would spend most of my time talking to a couple of guys about music, because being a recluse makes you very fond of music and personal entertainment since anything else might mean you would be exposed to other people and thus, friends may occur...but then I got a weird email from some girl saying she thought she was in love with me. She had read my profile and liked a lot of the same things I did apparently, but I was actually very scared by this...but I talked to her in response and she responded again saying she loved me...I realize looking back that it may have been far less excruciating of an experience if I had just told her I wasn't interested. Anyway, she screwed me up because I thought she really liked me and I think she did too, but we were young teenagers and she had a very different view on life than I did. However, in all of my sadness and grief when I sat alone at night wondering why she was telling me about guys she thought were hot, I began talking to others...and met one in particular...

Christina. She was usually found to be drinking and role playing in that ever remembered "Horror" chat room where I first spoke to her. In fact I think when I first felt a strong feeling towards her I helped her find her romantic interest at the time, again always helpful to women when I don't need to be. But this was the first time...and the most important of all. We became friends...I slowly realized that I no longer longed for the attention of this other girl...it was always log on, look for Christina, and overexcitement and happiness would follow. The two of us were very cute, we would always talk about being "best friends" and how it was ok for friends to hug and kiss...this went on alot...we were obviously in love, but both seemed to be denying it for some reason...until one night when it just came out...we were in love and very happy about it.

Within the next few months, my mother was convinced that we needed to move to Portland thanks to the influence of anti-depressants and me wanting the girl I loved. We drove across country for a week until that day...when I saw her. She was very embarrassed because my mom went to the door and she was actually supposed to be at work that day but had called in sick. She answered and I saw the look of surprise and nervousness in her...from the car of course - I was scared to death for some reason...I spent the rest of the day with her until that night when we walked together around the neighborhood...and kissed...it was my first kiss, there at 16 half a world away from everything I knew, with a woman I had met on the computer and completely flipped for...I felt like crying. This night would end along with my virginity...

The extent of the events that would follow is vast, so I will have to end it later...pt. 2 soon.